Redemption:
to reclaim, absolve and atone. If we believe what we were taught in our younger
years, we will spend our entire lives looking for some type of redemption. We
are taught that if we pay a man to wear a very expensive robe he will be able
to offer redemption and you will be atoned for your sins. We are told that darn
near everything we do, we will have to seek some type of redemption; heck we
even get slips of paper that can be redeemed for a percentage off your
groceries. So while you are busy seeking some type of absolution from another
human being, did it ever occur to just practice self redemption?
The
road to self redemption is a lot longer than the perceived road to perdition. I
think I’ve travelled this road many times; yet I’m still feeling close enough
to perdition that my toes are burned. It’s easier to stay set on that burning
path instead of opening your heart to yourself and allowing your inner self to
accept and redeem from within. It takes a lot to realize that no one person can
give you what you seek and no one person can say you are forgiven for whatever
you’ve done or have thought of doing. Sometimes, these lessons manifest quickly
and one can move on through this life with satisfaction. For others, myself
included, we need to be smacked around and driven to that fork in the road. You
know that fork; the one where the road is shiny on one side and crappy looking
and beat up on the other side. As I sit here pondering my own travelled worn
out roads, I think I definitely don’t want to reclaim anything. I don’t
recall asking for any type of atonement for any of my actions, now that doesn’t
mean I’ve done nothing wrong, this is me we’re talking about.
I remember when my brother
first went to Ohio, my mom missed him something fierce. I on the other hand,
well let’s just say I didn’t miss him that much. So I had these thoughts
floating through my head, do I seek redemption??? I think not. Of course his
choice of girlfriends just solidified the thoughts I had. His choices were not
great, then again when do any of us make perfect decisions. My brother has been
gone seven years come October, all I can say is time flies and will not slow
down for anyone. My brother was a momma’s boy, which was made quite clear. I
was the smart one and stayed to myself. We were a family of four until my parents
divorced. Now half my family is gone, makes you think about a lot.
I always said you can’t
choose your family but you do choose your friends. I tell ya, I got the short
end of the stick on that one too. I used to hang out with the most ignorant group
of people. They bowled with my mom and when I was younger, I thought they were
pretty cool. As I became an adult, I wondered why my mom stopped being around
these people. Even after the “token black jokes” I didn’t wake up. I think it took
one too many parties with my “friends” letting me drive home a little too tipsy
that got the message through to my head. This was a group of ladies that were
hell bent on being drunk most weekends and the night of bowling. Exit stage
left. I’ve had so called friends tell me I’d be a good friend if I would just
indulge with the foreign substance they chose to snort up their nostrils. That
wouldn’t have worked for me, I hate using nose drops.
So
here’s where self redemption comes to play. I can’t go back and correct a lot
of bad choices I’ve made. Why would I want to reclaim any of that anyway? To
own it, ha; I lived through it so I already own it. Seems the things that
happened in the past need their due place…in the past. Now, as for things that
happen from this point forward, just say it’s a work in progress. I look at my
contribution to this planet and lately I’ve spent a lot of time wanting to
figure out a way to put that contribution back. My contribution will be 19 this
weekend and weighing heavily on my heart is how much puberty can change innocence
into master jackass status. Just the thought of the dramatic difference brings tightness
to my chest. This is the part in my life when I blame myself for the things
that go awry, not that I blame myself on purpose; it just happens to get tossed
in my lap. When you see this contribution of my mine, you think oh what a great
individual, sweetheart, blah blah blah. Reality is, you don’t live with the contribution.
Sounds like I’m talking about a disposable commodity huh? Well the truth is, at
a certain age your contribution makes you feel like YOU have become disposable.
An ignorance rises up so fast and far you would swear the devil himself
implanted some type of wire leads in the brain and whenever your contribution
chooses to actually let you in their world, hit the switch and your
contribution instantaneously becomes your worst nightmare.
I’m
slowly learning to accept things as they are; they may or may not change. I see
no need for redemption, absolution or anything else along that matter. From
here on out the only thing I plan to redeem is my sanity. The world will go on
whether I’m in it or not. Learning to get back to me and letting go of my
contribution is hard. I’m still wicked in some ways, for example, to see this
contribution fall on his face just once will bring a smile to my face. You can’t
be a jerk forever and expect good things to continue to happen. I guess at that
young age we were all jerks. Hmmm, guess maturity and mother wit is a type of redemption
after all. How about this; full redemption is already within you. You can’t
live to please everyone so don’t try. The reality is you don’t need to go
someplace else to ask for redemption just to go out and do the same thing again.
Reality, if you really want to seek out some type of redemption, go online and
get yourself ordained, then you can do all the redeeming you want. Whatever you
choose from here on out, remember; redemption begins when you accept yourself.
~Just my two cents
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