Mom’s Manifesto (Time to Let Go) C.L. Anderson

When motherhood beckons, and that call is answered, there are a few milestones that are greatly anticipated. The first day of kindergarten, 8^th grade graduation, driver’s license and high school graduation are some of those milestones. A college graduate is a bonus we hope for, but ultimately we know it’s up to the individual and the choices they make. Some mothers go through post partum and slowly start to enjoy what they have been given; some jump right out of the gate and enjoy it to the fullest. We are all different and we celebrate those differences. Then there are those of us that feel like we popped a pup for a second time later in life and suffer greatly from post partum symptoms, or at least post traumatic stress syndrome. I fall into the latter category. These latest bouts of oh oh’s have come to be known as “I’m off at college and I think I’m grown syndrome”. This is that time when I personally wonder what happened to my part in the circle of life, I didn’t eat my young. Can I get a do over? Moms, welcome to the college years! Stand up, clap your hands, and shout for joy. Ok, sit down now.

Welcome to the Mom’s Manifesto today! I am the voice that says what you are thinking and won’t say because you don’t want your “I think I’m grown now” son/daughter to be mad at you. Try to find your backbone as you read this and then stand the hell up and say something. Let’s break this down slowly…. College tuition rounds out to about $35,000 not including incidentals. Now, for this very large number this is what you get; room, board, use of the library,  multiple computer labs, medical on site, counseling, mail services, dining halls and a café; also, use of a weight room, gym, game room, bookstore and career services. Finally, you get life’s necessities (as if a bed and food weren’t enough), basic cable, wireless internet service, heat and maintenance. What good are these services when the only thing being utilized are not the things to help guide you on your path!!!! Explain how NOT using career services is going to help you find a job or help with your resume, or NOT talking with financial aid for YOUR tuition is going to get you closer to that degree! Notice I didn’t include the cost of insurance or books or items necessary for the room.

Let’s look at what happens if your son/daughter ends up right back under your roof. Remember, the goal is to keep them out and push them to succeed. Coming home should not be one of their options; have you heard “I got this”? Then let them “get it”, a hard lesson to learn for any mom. Anyway, back to them coming home; let them know they will be paying some type of rent, they will clean up after themselves and wash dishes, they will pay their own phone bill and the biggest one of all they will find a job in a timely manner. Stipulate that finding a job does not entitle them to the use of your vehicle; they will utilize the same two feet they used to stand on yours to dance when they were little OR learn how to use public transportation. Also, since they chose to put their tails between their legs and come back to you, make them realize that the freedom of hanging out all night walked out the door when they walked in. Finally, let them know in 6 months time, THEY will be responsible for repaying their own student loans. Remember, they got this!

Suddenly coming back home doesn’t seem a viable option anymore, huh? That’s the point! While we as moms love to embrace and brag of the successes, very few of us talk about what happens when that embrace is not wanted at this time. We don’t talk about what happens when your son/daughter turns on the only support system they’ve had their whole lives; we don’t talk about the hurt that comes with that. Somehow we allow them to take their lack of foresight and turn it into one of our faults. Now, we moms have faults of our own, our sons/daughters failures will not be one of them. While we never turn our backs and our hearts as well as our doors are always open, they should be open with the stipulation that things are not free and you still have to earn what you want. While they feel they can skate through life and do whatever they feel and you don’t need to know, we sit back through our tears and KNOW in the long run, yea; WE (the moms) are the ones that actually got this! We never let it go and we won’t start now. Sometimes we have to let them flounder in the wind and “smell their own ass”. We have to learn to sit back and watch them let their attitudes include or exclude them from the positives in life. We’ve given them the basics, it’s up to them with they do with it. I’m sure they don’t forget what they’ve been taught, I’m POSITIVE they don’t know how to use it once they leave home.

As the great Revs. James Cleveland and Clay Evans once sang “This Too Shall Pass”. Our nerves will be tested over and over, we will shed many tears and yet it will pass. I think once the “I think I’m grown” phase passes and the real maturity kicks in; we can sit back and say “Peace Be Still”. Until this all comes to fruition, sometimes we just have to learn that it may be time to let go. ~Just my two cents.

            

Do We Really Need Validation? C.L. Anderson

            Memories, those hidden treasures tucked away in the bowels of our brain that very readily seem to enjoy defying us at the most inopportune time. Stories of the things that happened when you were younger, a few years ago or even a few days ago can seem fuzzy at best when you’re trying to recall a really great story. Sometimes you’re left thinking if only someone, anyone was right here and could back up what you’re trying to say. This would at least prove you’re not making up some farfetched story or remaking some story someone else told you. That someone you’re looking for is called validation. Although, validation isn’t a person, a lot of people spend a lot of time looking for it.

            I know some of you are probably thinking “Oh no, what did Carla do now” ha, I haven’t done anything. I am that validation tool! I don’t seek out anyone to validate events that have taken place; I have the uncanny gift of total recall. Before you say, that’s cool, or I wish I did; let me tell you, sometimes it plain sucks. If you happen to be someone that actually knows me or has known me for a long time, you know what I’m talking about. For those that don’t know me, I am a person’s worst nightmare. I will remember names, faces, what you did wrong, who you did it to and the outcome. If you’re someone that did something to me, believe me when I tell you I remember it all like it was yesterday.  See, I am my own validation tool!

            When I ask if we really need validation, the simple answer could be not unless you are a psychic making money by prompting questions that require validation. We don’t really need it, but sometimes it’s nice to have. I have told many stories about when I was younger and the crazy things that have happened. Sometimes, I’ve had people look at me like there is no way this could have happened. Jaws drop when there’s someone around that knew me from the “glory” days and they recall things that happened and wondered whatever became of me. I used to tell stories of things my parents did prior to getting divorced, I told a lot of these stories to my son. I don’t think he fully believed it until we ran into a friend of mine from my old neighborhood. I saw a little light bulb go off and it confirmed his mom was a nut job for a reason. Sometimes validation comes when you aren’t seeking it and that validation can be a bitter pill.

            There are many stories I have told about my childhood and how I was treated by my parents, grandparents and that other part we call extended family. It’s no secret that I think very little of my family on both parents side. Knowing I’m the honest, put it in your face type of person, I’ve taken a lot and bottled it up. It was like having a whole world watch what you go through and act like it wasn’t happening. Telling the stories is cathartic and at times funny. I’ve always known that people knew what was going on, but no one listened. Unless you were someone that actually hung around me on a constant basis, you had no clue. Those that were around me and knew/know firsthand, it’s still embarrassing but life moves forward. Just adds to the more funny stories I conjure up.

            So, here’s where the bitter pill comes in. Imagine a moment when you lose someone in your life that you didn’t particularly rate a 10 on the Richter scale of personalities, parenting and breathing. People call thinking they’re offering kind words and you’re sitting there hearing the teacher’s voice from Charlie Brown in your head; yep, you all know that sound. Then you talk to someone you haven’t spoken to since the last time Rip Van Winkle was awake and they drop a bombshell. “Your loved one was a nice person, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why she hated you so much and treated you so badly” Bam! A validation you for darn sure weren’t looking for. Ewwww, can you taste that bitter pill? Well, at least now there’s confirmation that a mind wasn’t slowly being lost into a spinning world of mediocrity and sarcasm for no reason; but did it have to come at that moment?!! Some people have no tact at all to say the least.

            That was the first unsolicited validation to come my way, there have been more after; but none that packed that sort of punch. Recently, I’ve had a validation that for some reason I always seek out and it’s not really a bitter pill. It’s more of a healing process; those are the ones you’re grateful for. When you know without a shadow of a doubt that you aren’t the only one that lived through a waking resemblance to hell and survived, the stories come out of your head and are pushed into the universe. Knowing that a superficial bubble shaped many lives the same way and many of the floating bubbles inside the bigger bubble had the wherewithal to know that things weren’t right is surreal. We all had the same thing in common at that time, no voice of our own and no one to speak up for us.

            Do we really need validation? No, not really. I think it can turn a person into one that is always searching and trying to please others before themselves. Can we all use a little validation? Absolutely, that may be the one thing that keeps us sane and reaffirms we haven’t totally fallen off the deep end. Perhaps, if more of us had been listened to when we were children, a lot of issues we see in this day wouldn’t be issues.

 ~Just my two cents