A New Journey

            Sometimes things in our lives have us taking a walk we never thought we’d take. Those things can be family related, work related or just every day things related. For me, it wasn’t losing my mom that rattled my cage, nope, for some reason I found a sense of peace after that. I thought to myself, now I can be my own person and out of that shadow that was always gray; turns out, that gray shadow wasn’t even my biggest issue. There are even bigger things that can send you spiraling down a path you’d rather forget.

            In June 2012, I was diagnosed with MS. Although, I don’t think it really hit me until I got the actual letter in the mail that stated “Diagnosis, Multiple Sclerosis”.  Right after the diagnosis, I lost my insurance. Now, since I really don’t like doctors to begin with, I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal; ahh, insert that one foot in the mouth. I started reading everything I could about this disease and pretty much scaring the crap out of myself. The day after my diagnosis, a celebrity made the same announcement. Suddenly, we were all plunged into the world of a crying mother who thought her son would die, and a big part of the MS community saying they don’t want an alcoholic pot head as the face representing us. I joined an online community and the owner made me a moderator. I thought I was doing quite well.

            Fast forward to now and all that was going right went seriously wrong. I had read that people with MS suffer from depression. Wow, that was a huge understatement. I didn’t realize I had spent the better part of this year sinking, I mean really sinking. I maintained the smile and the humor and even tried to maintain my writing but it didn’t work. As the floor and walls became my new friends, bruises started saying hello in the strangest parts of my body. They would show up saying hello and I don’t even remember sending them an invitation. It was funny at first, I’d write about meeting the wall when I woke up and laugh, ha ha. It wasn’t funny when I actually named the wall “clumsy2” and was wondering if there can be extra padding under the carpet. That stuff really hurts!

            Out of all medications and using only over the counter stuff, the headaches worsened and my tunnel got longer and really seemed like a bottomless pit. Mood swings, I’m not even sure if they were swinging anymore, but something had seriously been off kilter. I think the swing got stuck in a perpetual downward motion and made itself comfortable right there. I didn’t know what to do or who I could talk to. Everyone in my MS community were only posting depressing stuff, I didn’t need to always read about someone else’s rage, I was going through my own. I thought nothing could be worse than this….again WRONG!

            Family, ahh yes, those wonderful people that are supposed to have your back no matter what; I no longer believe that.  Other than my mom or my son, I don’t really write about family and there’s a good reason for that. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. Now every family has that one person that likes to “keep stuff going”, mine is no different. I met with my father on a very rare occasion, those that know me can’t recall a time that I’ve really talked about him, and so you know it was a very rare meeting. He was in the hospital, and that was the first time he actually called to let me know. I got there and pretty much got a verbal beat down about information that had been passed on to him. My first response was, funny how others have your number and I don’t. This man proceeded to tell me things my brother allegedly said, that pissed me off more. Too bad my brother isn’t here to say yes or no to those things. Now, the person that passed on this information to this man does not know him as a father, more importantly as MY father. The information was true, but in his eyes he was the perfect father. Again, those that know me, show of hands of who’s met this person. My hand to my heart, the people I went to grade school with, never saw this guy. This is a man that tried to kill my mother when I was younger. Still, even admitting that, he felt he was the perfect father. Notice, I never said “DAD”.

            I knew he was getting ready for a stem cell transplant and that’s where the conversation ended. I kissed him on top of his head, told him I loved him and I would check back with him before his procedure. Now, I knew that last part was a lie. I had no intentions of checking back with him, hell I went over 5 years once without talking to him. So, as of this writing, I have no idea what happened, for as much as he claimed his wife wanted to get along, she has not contacted me with any information about him. This is the moment when I knew I was really in a hole. I remember walking to my truck and calling home and just crying to my partner. I don’t normally cry. I don’t know if I was pissed or hurt, maybe a lot of both. I wanted to go back into that room and just hurt him the way he hurt me, but something said “it’s not worth it”. I had to try to put things in perspective and realize that when people don’t really know you, they say things not realizing they cause more damage. Yep, more damage was done alright.

            I don’t remember driving home or how I got home. That leads me to this moment. I don’t drive too far from home, cognitive issues prevent that. I could go out and really forget how to get back home. It was a little funny until I thought about all those times I “forgot” my way when I used to drive home from work. This dark tunnel has cost me greatly, sadly. I really never had family other than my mom, then my son. So right now it’s my son and me and that’s all that matters. I’m not sure how I would tell another person how to deal with this, there’s no easy answer. Day by day just doesn’t cut it, especially when you don’t remember from day to day.

            This diagnosis and everything that has happened has cost me my relationship. At first it hurt like hell, and then I realized that some people can’t deal with the realities of someone they care for being sick. That may be true and all, but I sure learned a lot about people and how they can pretty much make an already dismal situation more of a living hell. Some people aren’t meant to walk all journeys with you, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

            I have now gone back to something I held true to my soul over 20 years ago. I’m starting to see the light and become enlightened. I’ve learned to forgive myself for allowing all the negativity and toxic things to happen. Forgiving others doesn’t do anything, they could care less, but if you forgive yourself, you can start to make it right for you and your journey. I have gone back to studying the Wiccan ways and pursuing that path. For all you naysayers that will spout your ignorance, read your facts first, then we can talk. The truth is within me, no one else can say what my truth is or how it should turn out. Will my relationship be resurrected? I have no answer for that at the moment. Pulling me out of this tunnel is my main concern. I let a disease take control of me, sure it damages the body and mind, but I let it damage my soul. What some distant family member that doesn’t really know me said doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve forgiven myself for even letting it bother me in the first place. My partners’ son, who just basically tore our relationship to shreds, doesn’t bother me anymore. Again, I’ve forgiven myself for ever letting him get to me that way. I’ve even forgiven myself for harboring years of resentment towards my father. Now, forgiving myself doesn’t mean I’m going to forget these things. It just means that these people are now just a part of a walk I had to take to see my way to my new journey. ~CarlaUp!~ )o(

           

            

Why High Schools Need Social Media Managers/ Could Be Me

            Thursday 21 Mar saw sports headlines punching out the story of how Crete Monee athletic director Gene Cahan has been ousted from his position and reassigned for the next school year (http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2013-03-21/sports/ct-spt-0321-prep-crete-monee-ad-20130320_1_jerry-verde-laquon-treadwell-crete-monee) . According to the article Mr. Cahan posted a picture of highly touted Mississippi bound Laquon Treadwell. When asked by Treadwell to remove the picture, it was, but apparently that wasn’t to the satisfaction of some school board members. Here’s what’s wrong with this whole picture.

            Google Laquon Treadwell and you will see how many articles are dedicated to this talented young man. You’ll see he has over 13,000 followers on Twitter and he caters to them all. The article doesn’t seem to cover the back story of all of this, I’m sure they had to “struggle” to fill out a 5 inch space in the paper. That little space doesn’t allow one to put together a complete package of anything.  The media writes with the thought that most will check out the back story and see this whole thing goes a little deeper than the blaring headlines of a reassigned athletic director.

            Treadwell posted a picture of himself on the social site Instagram, with two young ladies during his visit to Ole Miss. The young ladies were on either side of him and kissing his cheeks. Nothing’s wrong there, right? Then there’s the picture of Treadwell with his hand on a stack of $100 dollar bills, hmm, questionable. Even though Treadwell deleted the questionable photo, it had already spread across the internet. The questions started about whether or not Treadwell received money to attend the university from the boosters/alumni.  So why didn’t it make more noise here? Good question considering this all took place in January. So it looks like things were kept pretty much under wraps until Cahan put the picture up by his office. Was it wrong? Maybe not so much as it being unethical or a bad judgment call.

            Questions are abounding as to how Ole Miss can attract such talent and people aren’t being shy about it. Treadwell has already been on the defense about the picture saying it was a joke. He admitted that it was indeed his hand on the money in the picture. He admitted to being…well….a kid. Let’s face it, he’s a kid that is tech savvy and knows how to use the social media to his advantage. There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe, he didn’t realize how powerful social media can be. Mr. Cahan doesn’t seem to realize that either.

            Someone, should have told Treadwell what he was about to get himself into. Let’s break this down a little. The picture itself shouldn’t have been taken, why? Mississippi ranks last in most everything in this country except its racism. Times have changed, but let’s keep it real, not much has changed in that state. This picture played right into the stereotypes that are thrust upon young, successful black men. “Come to our school and we’ll give you white women”. Now, for those who think naively that this young man hasn’t gotten a few calls from the Mississippi branch of the KKK, wake up and rub the sleep out of your eyes. “Come to our school, we’ll give you money.” “Come here and you’ll be treated like a rock star”.  I’m sure I could go on, but I’m sure I’ve stepped on a few toes already. Bottom line is this young man will be attending school in one of the most racist states in the country and there’s that picture floating around.

            Teenagers aren’t capable of navigating the recruiting circus alone. Toss in social media and it becomes almost impossible to navigate alone. Parents, coaches and athletic directors need to navigate the waters with these young student athletes. All the attention, the parties and everything else being thrown at these kids will make your head spin. This isn’t a time for coaches or athletic directors to bask in the glory of what this young person has done. This is when the real part of being a coach should kick in.  The process with my own son was stressful and he didn’t get the media attention Treadwell has gotten. You can’t say to a young person be a kid at home, be a kid at school, now go off to navigate these waters alone and be mature about it. That certainly won’t happen.

            A few short years ago, 2009; I witnessed a coach swear at an athlete and tell him he wouldn’t be where he is if it wasn’t for him. The athlete was a bit cocky and basically said the team will lose without him. Now imagine this…I’m on no less than 12 social sites, what if all of that was available just a few short years ago. I could have captured that conversation and made it go viral. That could have possibly ended that coach’s career. I’ve seen a coach take creepy photos of a girls team, even after several complaints, the coach didn’t lose his job. Imagine had all of these sites been available; another coach without a job. You see what I’m getting at?

            When Cahan put the picture up at the school, it wasn’t that he was wrong. It was that he made a bad judgment call; he knew the picture had already caused issues for Treadwell. Cahan was probably trying to show pride in the student athlete, but that quick lapse of judgment cost him.  To put that squarely on Cahan was also a judgment call within the school board.

            In a time where young people are broadcasting their lives on a minute by minute basis, schools need to consider a social media manager (raises hand). I doubt even the people running the sports departments realize just how many social sites these young people get on. Remember the story of the basket ball player that was arrested in 2009? He was supposed to go to University of Northern Iowa, take a look. I did look at that time and was blown away by the comments. That young man was called the ugliest of racist names by students and alums of the university. That’s as far as that went. Now imagine if they had had the access to all the social sites available now. You can understand how big that could have gotten, right?

            Having a social media manager would keep the lack of judgment by both athlete and coaches down to a minimum. Young people take stupid pictures all the time, coaches need to tell their athletes to be careful of what they make public.  A rap artist never hurt his career by flashing money in a photo, but a student athlete needs to understand doing everything you see someone else do can hurt yourself and possibly others around you. Social media managers would be able to navigate the sometimes egoistical minds of athletes suddenly thrust into the limelight. In this case, it was a bad judgment call by Cahan to put the picture up, but it was a bigger lack of judgment by Treadwell to take that type of picture in the first place. To that end, any high school needing a social media manager, look me up ~ Just My Two Cents

           

           

            

Not Always Strong ~ C.L. Anderson

            Life takes us down some pretty tricky paths before it decides to dump us by the wayside, leaving us wondering what box of Cheerios we gave it permission to piss in. We are at that age when we are starting to lose our parents, illnesses are catching up with our once invincible bodies and our own children are becoming young adults. Take a good look in the mirror and yep, you guessed it; we have become our parents. Those very traits we couldn’t stand growing up have crept into our own fibers of being. I’m sure we all have unknowingly or knowingly adopted some ways of our parents, good or bad. I know I have.

            My father wasn’t around much when my parents divorced, after watching years of fighting between the two; I don’t think I cared too much. I remember wanting to be that daddy’s girl, I wanted to still dance on his feet as he played Sam Cooke and the Impressions on the Hi-Fi (yes kids, we had a Hi-Fi). I wanted to learn to work on cars with him and learn HVAC to work alongside him. I wanted him at my basketball and softball games. I wanted him at my choir concerts. He only lived 10 minutes away for goodness sake! If you were to meet my dad, you would hear stories of him carrying me around on his shoulders, or him having me and a diaper bag wherever he went. What isn’t told is that these things happened before I was 10, after that; the stories stop. I love my father, but he is the biggest chauvinist I know. I learned to work on cars, I even learned a little HVAC and I became a journey level carpenter; without my father. Lesson my father taught me without knowing he taught? Be strong.

            It’s true when they say a girl meets a fellow similar to her own father; and yep I sure did. My son’s father, after a bit of coaxing, was quite attentive when he was younger. As he got older, they bowled together, hung out on Father’s day and generally just hung out period. Then it started to slow down. Father’s teach their sons many things. They teach them how to throw a football, play basketball, how to ride a bike, the facts of life, how to tie a tie, how to fix things. My son learned all those “manly” lessons, but he learned them from me. I was my son’s first coach and he played basketball for me. It was my mom that got him his first set of plastic bowling pins and got the bowling alley to let him in a league at the age of four. He won a 9pin-no tap tournament and was in the paper. Once he started showing promise on the track, both his father and his grandfather (my father) said he ran like them. I guess it didn’t matter that mom was the one that was the jock in the family and mom was the one that was emotionally and monetarily involved. These two men saw a chance to beat their chests. Too bad they didn’t see him really shine. They didn’t see this young man had learned to be strong without either of them around.

            I don’t think my son has seen me weak. Yea I cried like a baby during the whole leaving for college time, but he’s my only kid and I had to give him to the world now. That’s a piece of your heart that you know you have to share one day, but you want to hold on to it just a little longer. With that being said, I've tried to teach him to be strong no matter what. Never let them see you hurt. Believe me that is one thing he has learned a little too well. I wouldn't change anything, but I’m thinking I should have sprinkled in a little “it’s ok to not be strong sometimes”.  Maybe that’s a lesson we’ll learn together, ahhh yes an evolution for the both of us.

            I saw a former classmate put a rather disturbing status on a social network site. She didn't really seem to be in a good place at all and was basically just venting and probably seeking some type of reassurance that something good might happen for her. I read through the comments that were left for her and stopped at the one where she was told by a friend be glad she has her health, she woke up and things will get better. Besides, she was told, there are people that are worse off. Really!!!! If I could have reached through the computer to slap the stupid out of the person that said that, I would have slapped her twice. Firstly, this is a person that has always had to be strong through quite a bit of adversity, sometimes you break. Secondly, telling someone that they will get over it or that there is someone in a worse predicament does not make a person feel better. How do you know someone else is in a worse situation? Think about it. Maybe at that time, my former classmate decided she couldn’t be strong anymore and that heartless off the cuff remark just could have been the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Sometimes being strong is just listening.

            I don’t put all my business on social sites. Why should I? No matter what you put, there’s always going to be that one person that says “Oh that’s nothing, I have….” Then it becomes all about them. Everyone has that friend that wants all the attention focused on them, so no matter what illnesses or issues you have, they will always try to top that. What I will say is I’m not as strong as you may think. I get pissed off when I see people using benefits they don’t deserve when I can’t even get insurance. I get pissed when people utilize systems they really don’t need and brag about it, when I can barely put food on the table.  Like my former classmate, I do break.

            The lessons of being strong went out the window when I finally got the diagnosis of MS. As I write this, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept that one day, my son will have to see the woman that used to carry him on her neck and do pushups with him her back, using a walker or in a wheelchair. I hear his seven year old voice standing in line at school telling his friends that his mom is stronger than their dads because she can build condos. At seven, I don’t even think he knew what condos were, but he knew his mom had to work high in the air and build stuff. Bouts of depression overtake me, yet I don’t post it all over the internet. Pain is a daily way of life, but I don’t write about it all the time. I try to hold my head up, although not very high.  Through all the things my father inadvertently taught me, I think I've learned the opposite; I’m not always strong. ~ Just my two cents

Control and Release: They Could Be Friends ~C.L. Anderson

            Those that know me have often heard me talk about control, not control of a person or a group of people; but control over what happens to me in my life. It took a lot to come to terms that sometimes life just happens and things are actually meant to be released. Now, I have the release part down perfect. If I don’t like you, poof! You’ve been released. I may still talk to you, but trust me; you’ve been released…or have you?

            Growing up, my mom controlled everything. Not only did she control everything, she sent my brother and me to a school that commanded absolute control of everything. Mom controlled what we ate, watched on TV, what time we went to bed, what time we got up, what we wore and many other things.  When I first started school, they controlled what we wore. We had to wear skirts or dresses. That changed around third grade to we could wear dress slacks (yep, that’s what they called them then), but no jeans. Then it was we could wear jeans but they couldn’t have the rivets on the pockets. God forbid they scratched up the hardened plastic seats we sat in. School controlled when we ate, when we went to the restroom, when we had recess (remember that?) and when we had P.E. They even controlled when and how often we went to church and Sunday school by taking attendance for it Monday morning. If I recall correctly, at the time, you had to attend one or both a certain amount of times or it reflected in your grade. I’d have to pull my report cards out from the dark ages to check for sure.

            By the time I got to high school, mom still controlled a lot of things. She would take the phone to work with her to keep me off the phone. What was my reaction to this? I had a computer called ADAM at that time and I was able to hook that up to the phone line and still make calls. I kept myself busy at school so I wasn’t home often, long enough to sleep and eat. I believe my release started during this time. Mom was losing control over making me get up Sunday mornings. I simply would sleep at a friend’s house or just exercise what I thought was my freedom of speech. I guess that message got through loud and clear because I no longer had to return to what I considered a dungeon beneath the bowels of hell.

            Mom is gone now and in a somewhat eerie way I feel like I’ve finally come into my own. They say a woman doesn’t become a woman until she loses her mom. I don’t really agree with that, I’ll just say years of struggle and stress had been released; at least I thought it had. Memories play a big role in control and release and for me, memory might as well be a four letter word. Memories can be limited, sometimes I wish mine were. I remember everything and pretty much anything a person says or does. This is where the release part should come into play. Where is that darn release lever!

            I’ve been told I was controlling, that was a while ago. Would you believe it still pisses me off? Firstly, I had to consider the source and that about sums it up right there. Yet, I’m still pissed by it. Why? Well, I look at myself as a person with super high standards for my son and the people I deal with. My son once told me my standards were too high. That’s coming from a member of the 2015 college graduating class. He was in honors classes and maintained good grades throughout school and was a two sport athlete. He was never in trouble with the law, he doesn’t have anyone walking around calling him daddy and he shows much respect. Hmmm, standards I’ve set, that young man has met. It wasn’t easy, but he did it. I had the honor of sending that young man off to school with an academic and athletic scholarship. I had the tears to prove it. People, having and setting standards does not constitute control. I look at it as putting a road map in place and setting attainable goals to paint that road map whatever color you choose. I had to let go of my son and watch him continue his growth without my pushing, but knowing he had the tools to take care of business. I had to release and breathe.

So, here is my idea of control; this is going to wrinkle some feathers for sure. To me, and remember this is my opinion; you know what they say about opinions. When you have no plans for your child to gain more knowledge and allow them to sit under you because they can’t make a move without you, that’s control. I had a friend who told me her and her husband had no plans for their child to go to college because neither of them went. That blew my mind, why would you not want your child to do better! When a person wants to dictate what you do with your time in your own life, that’s control. What makes that control? Try saying “no” to someone like that. That is the quickest way to shut down a control freak, with a word they do not like to hear. This is why they make sure they are surrounded by people who don’t know any better. These are people that I have mentally released, that harkens back to my first paragraph. A mental release is a bit different than completely releasing a person from your very presence.

I think, or at least I’d like to think my mom didn’t mentally break me because I was always so determined to break away. I knew I was more intelligent than what she thought; I was doing her college homework and typing it out when I was in fifth grade. I was determined to make sure my son made it out, mainly because I never had that chance. I gave him what my mom didn’t give me, freedom. He has the freedom to make his own choices, good or bad. I can voice my opinion, but I also tell him he doesn’t have to agree. He’s been taught to stand his ground and question everything. I’m from the time when you didn’t speak up at home or in school. I’m sure you can imagine me staying in trouble somewhere because of my mouth.

My overall point is this; wanting to see someone succeed is not control. Holding them back because you don’t want to be alone is control. You can’t mentally hold someone back then complain about everything that goes on, that creates a mental oxymoron. If me setting high standards and expecting them to be met is control, guilty as charged, but you are wrong. I also hold to the greater knowledge that I have released him to the world without strings attached. You can’t teach your little bird to fly then tell them they can only fly the way YOU tell them. You can’t expect to hold friendships based on the absurd inner thinking that you can control them and what goes on in their households. Sometimes one needs to understand that it takes more control to release. So to those that have called me a control freak, know that you have been released. I may talk to you and make nice, but you are not an issue. I control what goes on in my life and naysayers are a blip on the spectrum.  One final thing to keep in mind…keep a look out for those college graduation pictures. ~Just my two cents.

            

My New Normal ~C.L. Anderson

            After taking some time away from writing, mainly due to health issues, I’m back to give it another go. It’s been an interesting past few months to say the least and of course I get to be the one to call out the absurdness of what I’ve seen posted lately. I also get a chance to welcome you to my new normal. Well, some of you are welcome; the rest can just hop on for the ride.

            This past June, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I told only a handful of people at the time, those were people I kept in touch with on a regular basis, not what I call “drive by friends”. At that time I wasn’t ready to deal with it, there were so many emotions. The first one was just strangeness because Jack Osborne announced he had MS the day after I was told. Suddenly, the whole world was being made aware of this complex disease. The next emotion was the “this isn’t real, oh wait, that explains everything” emotion. How does that work? Well, my doctor was so nonchalant when he told me so I was nonchalant as well. I figured it couldn’t be that bad if he wasn’t making a big deal of it. Then I started getting things in the mail, a whole new dose of my new reality; humbling to say the least.

            After over 20 years of weird happenings and tons of work being missed, I know what I have. I think I was more relieved to have doctors that actually listened to what I said and not blow me off as being lazy, or having head issues. I have a head issue alright, I remember every single doctor that has told me it was nothing, chronic fatigue, laziness, a virus and any other excuse they used. Memory, now that’s a heck of a head issue to have!  I have to admit, these doctors had me thinking I had a mental problem for a while and it really worked on the self esteem. I have to keep in mind they call it a medical “PRACTICE” for a reason. I was a human guinea pig, not by choice for sure.

            I remember being too tired to take my son trick or treating and forcing myself to go. I remember being too tired to keep the weekly dinner dates he and I had. I pushed through it all. I remember lying in bed for weeks, crying because I couldn’t get up on my own. I didn’t know the frequent arguments my mom instigated put me in bed for days with possible MS related flare ups. Looking back, all the signs were there but nobody put it all together. It’s ok now, sort of. My son didn’t know any different, the only thing he’s known his whole life is that’s it’s me and him against the world and we will win.

            I guess I didn’t really say anything because I didn’t to hear the obligatory “I’m sorry”, “I’ll pray for you” and the other automated responses people give. This is why people are negligent in outing their sickness. Honestly why are people so obsessed with the how’s and why’s of someone else’s life? A person passes away and right away you have a crap load of people wanting to know what happened; why??? You think you can fix them and bring them back? A person announces an illness and right away people are asking if you got a second opinion and telling you their homespun advice. There should be a protocol of what to say or not say, better yet just don’t say.

            Once I was ready to start putting MS out there, I posted pictures on my Facebook page. Now…wait for it…. Would you believe people were asking if something was wrong with me or am I sick!!! Really people???? First of all, there is nothing “wrong” with me. I’m not going to start posting articles about healthy eating for people with MS or anything like that. Knowledge is power and if some of you dare to pick up reading material, you will read that no two people share the same symptoms and those of us that have MS are in a group of highly diversified individuals unique only to ourselves. Once people start finding out you have “something”, people you haven’t been in touch with start writing trying to find out the “scoop”. There’s no scoop to tell so the pretend to care just to get information can take a flying leap. Overall, I thought the pictures said it all, didn’t think I would have to explain the obvious.

            I believe one of the main reasons I’ve waited to put this information out there is because no matter what you say, someone says they have it worse. Only on Facebook can one try to one up someone when it comes to illnesses or a family crisis. Think about it and look through your pages. If someone says they aren’t feeling well, there will undoubtedly be someone else saying “I was sick all last week too, feel better soon” My favorite is when someone always says “I have a friend that had (enter anything here)” Wow, I don’t think I asked about your friend, at least that’s what I would like to say sometimes. I’m not one to blast ALL of my business on Facebook anyway. Do you really care when I went to the bathroom or what I ate for dinner? So, I choose carefully what I post; unless something pisses me off.

            I’ve started cleaning my closet so to speak. I keep in touch with those I actually want to talk with. I’ve walked away from someone that was my best friend for almost 30 years. I’ve changed a lot, but there’s more changes coming. I may slur my words when I talk now and I’m certainly no stranger to kissing a wall or two or hugging the floor. It isn’t my fault they get in my way. I have brief memory farts and sometimes ask the same question a hundred times. My vision gets blurry and returns to normal, I walk funny sometimes. Being on my feet for an extended period of time sends my body into spasm of pain and tingling. Sometimes my left leg is completely numb and I have to drag it along like a sack of some type. My face goes numb quite often and it seems stress brings a nice little flare up to remind me to calm down. There are times when depression seems to be the only thing I wake up to and I have to have meds to sleep at night. I have a cane that I’m too vain to use, but I’ve already decided I will name it Candy. There’s nothing “wrong” with me, the pictures or sayings about MS I post are about me. I’m learning to embrace my new normal. ~Just my two cents

           

            

Those Wonderful Grudges ~ C.L. Anderson

                                                

            Are you one of the many people that can hold on to grudges forever? Do you secretly wish someone would spend over 24 hours bumping their head on the stupid truck? Are you happy when you hear something has happened to someone you held a grudge against?  I can honestly answer yes to my own questions. I am a grade school teacher’s worst nightmare, I remember everything that was ever said or done to me by one of those sadistic bastards. I remember my brother being treated like dirt and his classmates rallying behind him when my mom got a call to show up at the school. I think I push the boundary between a grudge and hatred and take it further than that. Of course that’s not healthy; but sometimes you carry things that have had a traumatic impact in your life and you carry the heavy load of a grudge.

            I remember being told I was the devils’ child and would never amount to anything. I am left handed and everything was backwards for me and the teacher made sure I knew that. I was always told that all good happens to the right, the evil is left, really? What a thing to teach a child, where was that good Christian value love? I remember being tormented by the same person throughout grade school; this teacher was also the principal. I held such a strong grudge against this person that I did a happy dance when I read his death notice. I remember saying to my mom I hope he suffered big time. I also had a teacher that felt it was her calling to slap her students, to this day I say if I ever see her I’m going to slap the mess out of her. Oh oh, there’s that devil creeping up. I held an equal grudge against one of the pastors; he was such an ass and didn’t care. Today, he’s an old man that looks like the Heat Miser, I’m pretty sure he isn’t marveling in his racist ways.

            When I worked construction there was a guy that felt it was his duty to tell me on a daily basis that women don’t belong in construction; especially women of color. My daily routine consisted of cussing this guy out and trying to work around his ignorance. This guy was just an all around jerk and was quite fond of his behaviors. This was someone I swore I would run over in my truck if I saw him on the road riding his motorcycle. Well, after carrying this grudge for a few years, I found out the guy died from a drug overdose. They found him in his bathroom. How dignified. Again, I was happy. He couldn’t be evil to anyone anymore.

            Carrying a grudge is not healthy, I know this but yet I don’t change it. Many believe that you should forgive just don’t forget. If you believe people really do that….I tend to not forgive or forget. People put a lot of effort into being jerks, why should I let them off the hook so easily! I have had friends that have done things or their parents have shown just how they can be racist jerks, do you honestly think I’m going to forgive and forget??? Nope, as a matter of fact I’m enjoying the fact that they are all suffering. I love Karma at its best!

            I like when people think I don’t know what they’ve done. These are the ones that go behind your back thinking you won’t find out; they think they’ve gotten away with something. Well in the beginning they may have, but when you sit there and smile in my face trying to be the nice person; keep in mind I’m sitting there looking at you wishing the roof would fall on your smug ugly face. I’m a firm believer in once a snake always a snake. I do admire the tenacity of ignorance; it exposes the vulnerability that enables someone to exploit the naivety of simple minded people.

            I often wonder if people had the chance to apologize for what they’ve done to others would they do it. In this age of technology it isn’t hard to pen a quick note and just let that person know there was a change in the heart and they want to apologize for what was done. Reality kicks in and realizes a person can sit on your sofa, smile in your face knowing they’ve done wrong and still not apologize. So sending a quick little note is one of those things that won’t happen. People are funny like that. My grandma is one of those people that had a chance to apologize to those she’s traumatized and up until she took her last breath she was defiant, ignorant and crass. She insisted she never did harm to anyone and felt no to need to apologize.

            Holding these crazy grudges does take a toll on your health. Sometimes it’s not so easy to let go and move on, it’s not like we’re robotic and can be re-programmed to do what someone else wants. I used to sit around and think of revenge; that is something that is really heavy. That is something that becomes a disease and will shorten your life span. I’m convinced exacting revenge is not the answer. A lot of people believe you give the other person power when you hold a grudge, I don’t really believe that. I’m pretty sure people don’t go to bed at night wondering who has something personal against them, I know I don’t. I also believe that people that know they’ve done wrong have gonads the size of Mt. Rushmore to sit in your house, smile in your face and  know without a doubt that in your mind you’re just waiting for something to snap. 

            I may hold on to things much longer than most people and I’ll admit I do get a little giddy when I hear something happened to someone I don’t really care for; but there are some things I’ve realized with age… 1) People always say forgive, I say God forgives and I’m not God 2) Even as they smile, their heart is heavy. Sometimes that’s all it takes 3) As long as I have the gift of writing, there is no need to seek out revenge. It’s all written out, kind of like therapy at the other person’s expense 4) Carrying a grudge won’t solve the issue or make a perceived wrong right and finally 5) Walking through life is hard enough on it’s own, I’d like to thank myself and say “self, walk out of the world of the wonderful grudges”. Some of you may want to do the same. ~ Just my two cents.

A Lot in a Little Time~ C.L. Anderson

           I’ve been sitting around thinking about time and how we use it. I thought about things that have happened and the elapsed amount of time. I often wonder why things are fully seen only after they happen, even when you yourself have that instinct that something is amiss. I remember I had a set goal; I gave myself five years to achieve certain milestones. I met those milestones and then something happened. The nice comfy, soft ground became hard as a rock and once the room starting spinning, the rest of the universe spun out of control as well.

            It’s funny when you start to lose control you believe you can regain it easily and quickly. You soldier on with a smile on your face, never letting them see you sweat; but sweating you are. A new reality starts to set in, the reality where you say to yourself “Damn, this is super messed up”. Going back isn’t an option, pushing forward is a chore; all that’s left is time. No one will really understand because they’re too busy talking about their own issues. Those people are the ones that put down other people for the slightest thing, I call them the “anti everything people”. I have a lot of those types on my Facebook page. Thanks to time, one has a chance to sit back and watch people’s true feelings come out in their own words. Look at your page and just watch, I bet you didn’t know how many of your friends really uncaring, prejudiced and biased people are.

            I can look in my way back clock and see where things took a crazy turn; it was in my teens when I was always sick and no one could figure out why. Pushing through the decades of going back and forth to different doctors and having even the closest of friends call me lazy all grinds through the same gears of time. Some people only remember a small piece of a past time, I remember it all. There is no time lapse in my mind, just a steady calendar with a lot of notes. I feel like a chocolate version of Santa keeping a list of who’s naughty and nice, only thing is, no one gets a present.  Oh time, time, time; aren’t you just a little devil!

            As we get older, we actually start to take a little more time for sanity’s sake; well, we try to. Sit back and think about a short period of time and what has happened; is it good or bad or both?  My short period of time is 19 months. In that time I’ve lost my mom, sent my son off to school (twice now), gotten one heck of a piece of news from a doctor that still has me catching my breath and pretty much walked away from a friendship that was toxic to me. I’ve reconnected with a friend that I’ve talked about forever and actually took the time to tell that person I wish they were here when my son was born. We picked up our conversation like it was never interrupted by 20+ years. I’ve learned that sometimes, I may need to ask for help as I slowly become a little less stable. I’ve reconnected with old friends from down south and yep, I still say they’re backwards.

            I’ve also learned to find more irony in just about everything. Those that know me will say only I would be able to do that. I’m sure I’m not the only one that notices people with children that aren’t that attractive are the ones posting the most sayings or pictures about “beautiful” children. I’m just the only one that will say something about it. So here you go, if you really believe your kids are that good looking, why the need to keep saying it like you have to prove to everyone they are??? Oh the irony! My generation is between the generation of parents that sent their kids away when they “messed up” and the generation that glorifies teen pregnancy by creating reality shows; seriously people think about that; now that’s ironic. Once again our dear friend time steps in and takes a bow while slyly smiling.

            We all say we don’t have enough time for things, yet as you see 19 months is a short time for a lot to happen. The same ones complaining about lack of time are usually the ones sitting on the computer either playing games or hanging on Facebook. I’ve been fortunate enough to look back in time, see what I didn’t/don’t like and start to make time work for me. There’s a lot of people that take a lot of time expressing their views about how others live, spend or anything else different from themselves, that’s a lot of wasted time that you will never get back, is it worth it?  In the end time will win because it runs out, before it does, make sure you pack a lot into that little bit that’s given to you.~ Just my two cents