A New Journey

            Sometimes things in our lives have us taking a walk we never thought we’d take. Those things can be family related, work related or just every day things related. For me, it wasn’t losing my mom that rattled my cage, nope, for some reason I found a sense of peace after that. I thought to myself, now I can be my own person and out of that shadow that was always gray; turns out, that gray shadow wasn’t even my biggest issue. There are even bigger things that can send you spiraling down a path you’d rather forget.

            In June 2012, I was diagnosed with MS. Although, I don’t think it really hit me until I got the actual letter in the mail that stated “Diagnosis, Multiple Sclerosis”.  Right after the diagnosis, I lost my insurance. Now, since I really don’t like doctors to begin with, I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal; ahh, insert that one foot in the mouth. I started reading everything I could about this disease and pretty much scaring the crap out of myself. The day after my diagnosis, a celebrity made the same announcement. Suddenly, we were all plunged into the world of a crying mother who thought her son would die, and a big part of the MS community saying they don’t want an alcoholic pot head as the face representing us. I joined an online community and the owner made me a moderator. I thought I was doing quite well.

            Fast forward to now and all that was going right went seriously wrong. I had read that people with MS suffer from depression. Wow, that was a huge understatement. I didn’t realize I had spent the better part of this year sinking, I mean really sinking. I maintained the smile and the humor and even tried to maintain my writing but it didn’t work. As the floor and walls became my new friends, bruises started saying hello in the strangest parts of my body. They would show up saying hello and I don’t even remember sending them an invitation. It was funny at first, I’d write about meeting the wall when I woke up and laugh, ha ha. It wasn’t funny when I actually named the wall “clumsy2” and was wondering if there can be extra padding under the carpet. That stuff really hurts!

            Out of all medications and using only over the counter stuff, the headaches worsened and my tunnel got longer and really seemed like a bottomless pit. Mood swings, I’m not even sure if they were swinging anymore, but something had seriously been off kilter. I think the swing got stuck in a perpetual downward motion and made itself comfortable right there. I didn’t know what to do or who I could talk to. Everyone in my MS community were only posting depressing stuff, I didn’t need to always read about someone else’s rage, I was going through my own. I thought nothing could be worse than this….again WRONG!

            Family, ahh yes, those wonderful people that are supposed to have your back no matter what; I no longer believe that.  Other than my mom or my son, I don’t really write about family and there’s a good reason for that. I don’t know them and they don’t know me. Now every family has that one person that likes to “keep stuff going”, mine is no different. I met with my father on a very rare occasion, those that know me can’t recall a time that I’ve really talked about him, and so you know it was a very rare meeting. He was in the hospital, and that was the first time he actually called to let me know. I got there and pretty much got a verbal beat down about information that had been passed on to him. My first response was, funny how others have your number and I don’t. This man proceeded to tell me things my brother allegedly said, that pissed me off more. Too bad my brother isn’t here to say yes or no to those things. Now, the person that passed on this information to this man does not know him as a father, more importantly as MY father. The information was true, but in his eyes he was the perfect father. Again, those that know me, show of hands of who’s met this person. My hand to my heart, the people I went to grade school with, never saw this guy. This is a man that tried to kill my mother when I was younger. Still, even admitting that, he felt he was the perfect father. Notice, I never said “DAD”.

            I knew he was getting ready for a stem cell transplant and that’s where the conversation ended. I kissed him on top of his head, told him I loved him and I would check back with him before his procedure. Now, I knew that last part was a lie. I had no intentions of checking back with him, hell I went over 5 years once without talking to him. So, as of this writing, I have no idea what happened, for as much as he claimed his wife wanted to get along, she has not contacted me with any information about him. This is the moment when I knew I was really in a hole. I remember walking to my truck and calling home and just crying to my partner. I don’t normally cry. I don’t know if I was pissed or hurt, maybe a lot of both. I wanted to go back into that room and just hurt him the way he hurt me, but something said “it’s not worth it”. I had to try to put things in perspective and realize that when people don’t really know you, they say things not realizing they cause more damage. Yep, more damage was done alright.

            I don’t remember driving home or how I got home. That leads me to this moment. I don’t drive too far from home, cognitive issues prevent that. I could go out and really forget how to get back home. It was a little funny until I thought about all those times I “forgot” my way when I used to drive home from work. This dark tunnel has cost me greatly, sadly. I really never had family other than my mom, then my son. So right now it’s my son and me and that’s all that matters. I’m not sure how I would tell another person how to deal with this, there’s no easy answer. Day by day just doesn’t cut it, especially when you don’t remember from day to day.

            This diagnosis and everything that has happened has cost me my relationship. At first it hurt like hell, and then I realized that some people can’t deal with the realities of someone they care for being sick. That may be true and all, but I sure learned a lot about people and how they can pretty much make an already dismal situation more of a living hell. Some people aren’t meant to walk all journeys with you, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

            I have now gone back to something I held true to my soul over 20 years ago. I’m starting to see the light and become enlightened. I’ve learned to forgive myself for allowing all the negativity and toxic things to happen. Forgiving others doesn’t do anything, they could care less, but if you forgive yourself, you can start to make it right for you and your journey. I have gone back to studying the Wiccan ways and pursuing that path. For all you naysayers that will spout your ignorance, read your facts first, then we can talk. The truth is within me, no one else can say what my truth is or how it should turn out. Will my relationship be resurrected? I have no answer for that at the moment. Pulling me out of this tunnel is my main concern. I let a disease take control of me, sure it damages the body and mind, but I let it damage my soul. What some distant family member that doesn’t really know me said doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve forgiven myself for even letting it bother me in the first place. My partners’ son, who just basically tore our relationship to shreds, doesn’t bother me anymore. Again, I’ve forgiven myself for ever letting him get to me that way. I’ve even forgiven myself for harboring years of resentment towards my father. Now, forgiving myself doesn’t mean I’m going to forget these things. It just means that these people are now just a part of a walk I had to take to see my way to my new journey. ~CarlaUp!~ )o(