Those Wonderful Grudges ~ C.L. Anderson

                                                

            Are you one of the many people that can hold on to grudges forever? Do you secretly wish someone would spend over 24 hours bumping their head on the stupid truck? Are you happy when you hear something has happened to someone you held a grudge against?  I can honestly answer yes to my own questions. I am a grade school teacher’s worst nightmare, I remember everything that was ever said or done to me by one of those sadistic bastards. I remember my brother being treated like dirt and his classmates rallying behind him when my mom got a call to show up at the school. I think I push the boundary between a grudge and hatred and take it further than that. Of course that’s not healthy; but sometimes you carry things that have had a traumatic impact in your life and you carry the heavy load of a grudge.

            I remember being told I was the devils’ child and would never amount to anything. I am left handed and everything was backwards for me and the teacher made sure I knew that. I was always told that all good happens to the right, the evil is left, really? What a thing to teach a child, where was that good Christian value love? I remember being tormented by the same person throughout grade school; this teacher was also the principal. I held such a strong grudge against this person that I did a happy dance when I read his death notice. I remember saying to my mom I hope he suffered big time. I also had a teacher that felt it was her calling to slap her students, to this day I say if I ever see her I’m going to slap the mess out of her. Oh oh, there’s that devil creeping up. I held an equal grudge against one of the pastors; he was such an ass and didn’t care. Today, he’s an old man that looks like the Heat Miser, I’m pretty sure he isn’t marveling in his racist ways.

            When I worked construction there was a guy that felt it was his duty to tell me on a daily basis that women don’t belong in construction; especially women of color. My daily routine consisted of cussing this guy out and trying to work around his ignorance. This guy was just an all around jerk and was quite fond of his behaviors. This was someone I swore I would run over in my truck if I saw him on the road riding his motorcycle. Well, after carrying this grudge for a few years, I found out the guy died from a drug overdose. They found him in his bathroom. How dignified. Again, I was happy. He couldn’t be evil to anyone anymore.

            Carrying a grudge is not healthy, I know this but yet I don’t change it. Many believe that you should forgive just don’t forget. If you believe people really do that….I tend to not forgive or forget. People put a lot of effort into being jerks, why should I let them off the hook so easily! I have had friends that have done things or their parents have shown just how they can be racist jerks, do you honestly think I’m going to forgive and forget??? Nope, as a matter of fact I’m enjoying the fact that they are all suffering. I love Karma at its best!

            I like when people think I don’t know what they’ve done. These are the ones that go behind your back thinking you won’t find out; they think they’ve gotten away with something. Well in the beginning they may have, but when you sit there and smile in my face trying to be the nice person; keep in mind I’m sitting there looking at you wishing the roof would fall on your smug ugly face. I’m a firm believer in once a snake always a snake. I do admire the tenacity of ignorance; it exposes the vulnerability that enables someone to exploit the naivety of simple minded people.

            I often wonder if people had the chance to apologize for what they’ve done to others would they do it. In this age of technology it isn’t hard to pen a quick note and just let that person know there was a change in the heart and they want to apologize for what was done. Reality kicks in and realizes a person can sit on your sofa, smile in your face knowing they’ve done wrong and still not apologize. So sending a quick little note is one of those things that won’t happen. People are funny like that. My grandma is one of those people that had a chance to apologize to those she’s traumatized and up until she took her last breath she was defiant, ignorant and crass. She insisted she never did harm to anyone and felt no to need to apologize.

            Holding these crazy grudges does take a toll on your health. Sometimes it’s not so easy to let go and move on, it’s not like we’re robotic and can be re-programmed to do what someone else wants. I used to sit around and think of revenge; that is something that is really heavy. That is something that becomes a disease and will shorten your life span. I’m convinced exacting revenge is not the answer. A lot of people believe you give the other person power when you hold a grudge, I don’t really believe that. I’m pretty sure people don’t go to bed at night wondering who has something personal against them, I know I don’t. I also believe that people that know they’ve done wrong have gonads the size of Mt. Rushmore to sit in your house, smile in your face and  know without a doubt that in your mind you’re just waiting for something to snap. 

            I may hold on to things much longer than most people and I’ll admit I do get a little giddy when I hear something happened to someone I don’t really care for; but there are some things I’ve realized with age… 1) People always say forgive, I say God forgives and I’m not God 2) Even as they smile, their heart is heavy. Sometimes that’s all it takes 3) As long as I have the gift of writing, there is no need to seek out revenge. It’s all written out, kind of like therapy at the other person’s expense 4) Carrying a grudge won’t solve the issue or make a perceived wrong right and finally 5) Walking through life is hard enough on it’s own, I’d like to thank myself and say “self, walk out of the world of the wonderful grudges”. Some of you may want to do the same. ~ Just my two cents.

A Lot in a Little Time~ C.L. Anderson

           I’ve been sitting around thinking about time and how we use it. I thought about things that have happened and the elapsed amount of time. I often wonder why things are fully seen only after they happen, even when you yourself have that instinct that something is amiss. I remember I had a set goal; I gave myself five years to achieve certain milestones. I met those milestones and then something happened. The nice comfy, soft ground became hard as a rock and once the room starting spinning, the rest of the universe spun out of control as well.

            It’s funny when you start to lose control you believe you can regain it easily and quickly. You soldier on with a smile on your face, never letting them see you sweat; but sweating you are. A new reality starts to set in, the reality where you say to yourself “Damn, this is super messed up”. Going back isn’t an option, pushing forward is a chore; all that’s left is time. No one will really understand because they’re too busy talking about their own issues. Those people are the ones that put down other people for the slightest thing, I call them the “anti everything people”. I have a lot of those types on my Facebook page. Thanks to time, one has a chance to sit back and watch people’s true feelings come out in their own words. Look at your page and just watch, I bet you didn’t know how many of your friends really uncaring, prejudiced and biased people are.

            I can look in my way back clock and see where things took a crazy turn; it was in my teens when I was always sick and no one could figure out why. Pushing through the decades of going back and forth to different doctors and having even the closest of friends call me lazy all grinds through the same gears of time. Some people only remember a small piece of a past time, I remember it all. There is no time lapse in my mind, just a steady calendar with a lot of notes. I feel like a chocolate version of Santa keeping a list of who’s naughty and nice, only thing is, no one gets a present.  Oh time, time, time; aren’t you just a little devil!

            As we get older, we actually start to take a little more time for sanity’s sake; well, we try to. Sit back and think about a short period of time and what has happened; is it good or bad or both?  My short period of time is 19 months. In that time I’ve lost my mom, sent my son off to school (twice now), gotten one heck of a piece of news from a doctor that still has me catching my breath and pretty much walked away from a friendship that was toxic to me. I’ve reconnected with a friend that I’ve talked about forever and actually took the time to tell that person I wish they were here when my son was born. We picked up our conversation like it was never interrupted by 20+ years. I’ve learned that sometimes, I may need to ask for help as I slowly become a little less stable. I’ve reconnected with old friends from down south and yep, I still say they’re backwards.

            I’ve also learned to find more irony in just about everything. Those that know me will say only I would be able to do that. I’m sure I’m not the only one that notices people with children that aren’t that attractive are the ones posting the most sayings or pictures about “beautiful” children. I’m just the only one that will say something about it. So here you go, if you really believe your kids are that good looking, why the need to keep saying it like you have to prove to everyone they are??? Oh the irony! My generation is between the generation of parents that sent their kids away when they “messed up” and the generation that glorifies teen pregnancy by creating reality shows; seriously people think about that; now that’s ironic. Once again our dear friend time steps in and takes a bow while slyly smiling.

            We all say we don’t have enough time for things, yet as you see 19 months is a short time for a lot to happen. The same ones complaining about lack of time are usually the ones sitting on the computer either playing games or hanging on Facebook. I’ve been fortunate enough to look back in time, see what I didn’t/don’t like and start to make time work for me. There’s a lot of people that take a lot of time expressing their views about how others live, spend or anything else different from themselves, that’s a lot of wasted time that you will never get back, is it worth it?  In the end time will win because it runs out, before it does, make sure you pack a lot into that little bit that’s given to you.~ Just my two cents

I’m a Mom Not a Politician~ C. L. Anderson

           Several people have written me asking if I was going to have some type of political forum. Why this matters is beyond me, it would still be MY forum. You would just have the opportunity to express your opinions. My guess is that it would be a short lived forum because I have very opinionated followers who love to express their views but not accept someone else’s. It’s amazing how many people have something to say on someone else’s page and when that person who has the page makes a comment back, the individual appears to get offended.

            Here’s how Facebook is supposed to work: Someone has a page and now they have their very own “public” journal. Since your name is the one on the page, you can write pretty much what you want as long as FB doesn’t deem it illegal in the FB realm. Now, this is how FB actually works, using myself as the example. Now this is hypothetical, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I put up a post or write a blog saying I don’t like what President Obama has done. Within 10 minutes I will have my followers divided by race, gender, relationship status and union affiliation blowing up my wall telling me how bad my opinion is. I will be told I support Mitt Romney and the political right wing agenda. Oh, it would be brutal. By the time I got through, there would be a lot of hurt feelings, life’s rough like that sometimes.

            The reality of things is I really don’t care to deal in politics, religious or money discussions. No one ever agrees; unless of course you’re siding with someone no matter how out there you feel their thoughts are. Having such a forum would take the fun out of everyone connecting; sure there are disagreements, but it’s nice to be able to agree to disagree and move on. Being a single mom, coming from a jacked up family and making some really poor choices for friends back in the day gives me more than enough to muse about.  There aren’t many women that can say they’ve worked in corrections and construction and endured the “good ol’ boys” more than one cares to think about.

            If the bigger part of your day is putting up how you personally feel you have every right to know what’s going on behind someone else’s closed doors, then you have that right. The only thing I would say is I hope you feel the same way when someone wants to know what’s going on behind your closed doors. If you feel that everyone should know your God, beautiful, great have it on your wall. Unless I invite that myself, it doesn’t belong on my wall. Admittedly I discuss my own experiences with religion; somehow I always get the ones that say “Oh there’s still a plan for you or some other form of malarkey.” Believe me when I tell you that it takes everything within me to NOT say “your beliefs are so strong and you believe your prayers are heard, why is your ass still poor as hell”. I don’t say it, but the thought is there. You see why I don’t jump in those types of conversations.

            I don’t share the same views as a lot of people and I’m ok with that. I really don’t try to. I try to look at everything tongue and cheek, it’s not that serious. I like to say I dislike everyone equally, that way no one feels left out. I love my friends and followers; I just don’t share a lot of their views. I don’t spend my days worried about who likes me or dislikes me; I remember a classmate doing that in 5^th grade. Guess what??? That classmate is still considered to be a bit out there, all that worrying about….blah blah blah. Get over yourself.

            I’ve walked away from a lot of people; I don’t think it’s ever been because of their opinions, views or what they’ve said. It was probably because I felt the inner core of that person’s very being just didn’t fit in with my life anymore and it was time to move on. Seasons change and so do people. I have fun with what I do; would I have more fun if I jumped on the political bandwagon, heck yea. It’s just not worth the headache.

            For the record, I don’t like either politician. Neither is going to stop looking past their own personal agenda. I don’t care who sleeps where and with whom, not my business and certainly not yours. The only religious views I have are negative, therefore I’ll just tuck that away.  I strongly believe women shouldn’t have a statute of limitations on reporting of rape especially after seeing what’s happening with people getting settlements from the Catholic Church from instances that allegedly go back decades. So in my humble opinion, female rape victims are victimized more than once. I don’t like the fact that people feel they have the right to know what’s going on in their neighbors home, but if there is a case of domestic abuse no one speaks out. I think unions are great, unless you’re a female from the Chicagoland area.  I could go on and on.

            My position in this life is that of mother. It’s not the easiest position; the court of public opinion thinks they have the right to infringe on that as well. I don’t impose my views on anyone else and I would like to keep my platform free of that as well. One can write without jumping into a firestorm. Now, that doesn’t mean I won’t toss my two cents out there, just keep in mind I am the first to know that a lot of people will disagree. I won’t cause a firestorm unless I’m prepared to jump in that fire all the way. Those that know me know I love a good argument, an intelligent argument.  I believe this is why I’m good at being a mom and not a politician. ~ Just my two cents

What You’ve Raised ~ C. L. Anderson

            There’s been a lot of talk lately about older children and how they treat their parents. More specifically, how they treat their mothers. Now, I for sure don’t have the perfect poster child kid. I will say that what I’ve noticed is a pattern. I spent a lot of time thinking I created a heartless, lazy, jerk. Everyone that met my kid always said how sweet he is and threw upon him every positive platitude you can think of; my thoughts???? You don’t live with him. Never had I seen an individual so aloof about what was going on outside of himself. Time was meant to tick for him and things would be done when he felt like it no matter how much I complained. He could be full of compassion one minute and the next minute we’re butting heads about the dumbest of issues.

            I’ll pick that up in a bit. What I’ve been reading and what I was told by friends blows my mind. Their children are actually beating them and doing whatever they want; complete disrespect. There are a couple of thoughts that go through my mind. Firstly, when your son/daughter was little and they started hitting you, instead of playing and laughing it off you should have smacked him/her back. You gave up your control as a parent when you let that happen. Secondly, did you as the parent respect your child or did you just demand they respect you only to realize you didn’t know how to teach them to respect you? Think about that, how many parents do you see in the stores with screaming kids and the parent gets in their face and tries to pacify them only to be smacked by the kid. The parent half heartedly looks around to make sure someone else didn’t just see her get smacked by her child who’s still sitting there throwing a fit. Too bad you can’t find that family 10 years in the future and see how that kid turned out and how the relationship is with the parent.

            I guess with some things I’ve heard I shouldn’t be too surprised. Some of the ones that are having problems were not the kindest of people (that was me attempting to be nice) back in the day. I remember some people cussing at their parents, throwing things at their parents and just being disrespectful. This was all over being told they couldn’t hit the next happening party or have the next happening party themselves. Really?!? I wish I would have tried that in my house, I’d probably still be trying to find what’s left of my teeth today. If you’ve never learned to respect your own parents, how can you teach your kids to respect you? Hmm, there’s a thought. A lot of people claim they understand more of what their parents were trying to do or say only after they have kids of their own. Usually that eureka moment comes when their own child is acting like the jerk they (the parent) used to be themselves. So here’s a new eureka moment for you….your kids reflect you. That’s it in a nutshell, plain and simple. Are you arrogant? If so, your kid probably is as well. Are you indifferent? Your kid probably is as well. Your children turn out how you raise them, complaining about how they treat you should have you standing in a mirror talking to yourself.

            As parents ourselves, we’ve learned from our own parents. I’m not saying our parents have actually taught us the hand held way. We were a latch key generation for sure, a lot of us learned by telephone, ok that was a bit exaggerated. What I mean is we learned what type of parent to be from our parents, good or bad. I learned to be the opposite of my mom. It’s no secret and I’ve written about it before, she and I didn’t get along. I respected her because she was my mom, as a child, we feared her because she was a bully. Everything about me has disappeared, like I never existed. My mom blames my dad and my dad is just clueless. So that’s how it went and that’s how it stayed until my mom passed away. Now, one could assume that my mom was just a jerk and go crazy with all the negatives of her parenting style; you’d be half right. She learned from her mother, and boy her mother was a doosey. My grandmother was the most cold hearted money hungry person I’ve ever met. She had four kids and they were never really all that close. To this day those of us from my mom’s side are not close, we don’t even talk (enter tears here).

            So as I hear and read these stories of these “terrible kids” I had to think of my own kid and how he turned out. This is what I’ve come up with; it makes a lot of sense; especially to those that know me. 1) My son respects those that respect him 2) He’s the biggest procrastinator 3) It’s not that he doesn’t care, it just doesn’t affect him directly 4) He questions and argues everything 5) He moves when he’s ready and not before then 6) He has a tendency to tolerate those that hurt him 7) He can hold a grudge like nobody’s business 8) Even though I think he doesn’t listen to half of what I say, his actions say otherwise.

            Now, that doesn’t look like what I described in the first paragraph, does it? It isn’t, but it took some self reflection to see that. My son turned out to be what I put in him, this is why I say he’s my mini me. There were arguments of course, but him raising his hand to strike me or parting his lips to cuss at me????? Not in this lifetime. He’s learned that we don’t have to agree and that’s ok. He’s learned that he doesn’t have to like what I say and he’s learned to respectfully question what he dislikes. My rule is; you can always argue your point and be heard, but make sure you have a valid point before opening your mouth. How does that work out??? If we were opposing attorneys it would be an interesting courthouse for sure. I see it as I’ve worked out the kinks behind closed doors so he can earn his respect outside those doors; this is what I’ve raised.

            I hate to hear stories of children rising up against their parents. It bothers me even more when the almost grown or grown offspring still lives at home and does this.  My reaction would be to allow them to pack their belongings and take the key back as they walk out the front door. You aren’t helpless now, but what about when you’re older and have to depend on someone to help you. These are things to think about now, we aren’t getting any younger. It’s time to look at the big picture and own the fact that this is what you’ve raised. ~Just my two cents.

(Originally posted on Carlaupshoutout.com July 21,2012)

The Ultimate Journey ~ C.L. Anderson

            We take many journeys in our lifetime. I think the journey from your parents’ household to running your own ranks in the top 10 for sure. We live through differing stages in our lives without ever thinking twice about it. We talk with our friends and hold some of those friends more intimate than others. For me, getting through everyday life was interesting to say the least. I spent most of my time trying to figure out a good painless way to check out because I hated the school I was in, couldn’t stand my parents and my moms’ friends were all losers who lived in an altered worldly sense of reality. Obviously that didn’t work, you’re reading this now.

            My road trip through life has seen some interesting things but more importantly; I’ve been able to see parenthood. The time in your life when you sacrifice every single thing for this little person that looks up at you with big round eyes and calls you mom or dad brings a journey that takes you through more perils and triumphs than you ever thought existed. Were we this emotional, irrational, immature at a young age? I’m sure we were, but we were also more mature; we had to be. Most of us were left to figure things out ourselves due to the fact that our parents worked. We did what we were told (for the most part) and had it done before they got home and that was that. Somehow our turn as parents seems vastly different than our own parents. Our journeys seem so much more outrageous you really start to wonder if the hospital sent you home with the wrong kid. There’s no way something born from me could act that way, think that way, just BE that way. The journey of parenthood, don’t we all just love it?

            The next journey is the one we take with our friendships and acquaintances. You’ve seen me write about friendships and what they really mean and the actual number of people you can call a true friend, did you agree? We meet a lot of people throughout our lives, some we call friends and some are on that drive by tip; we call those acquaintances. A lot of people don’t realize that the people you know actually take you on a different journey on a constant basis, sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Each person that comes into your life seems like a new journey for you to take and learn something. As a mom, I’ve learned a lot from watching the people that have come into and out of my son’s life. Some of his choices of friends I’ve liked, some of his choices of friends had me wanting to meet the parent and slap the stupid out of them for putting such a product on this planet. Have you ever found yourself thinking things are déjà vu when it comes to your kids’ friends? I have all the time. They’ve always seemed to need something and always wanted a ride. I’ve often thought for kids coming from two parent homes, they’re a lot needier than my single parent son. The journey of the teen years ROUND 2. Funny, I didn’t enjoy round two as much as I enjoyed round one.

            I’d like to think I’ve cultivated a close network of friends that I don’t mind sharing things with. You all know I’ll put anything on Facebook, but there are things that I only share with a certain few. I enjoy watching the journeys my friends are taking. I’ve seen religious journeys, food journeys, self evolution journeys and a lot more. The self evolution journeys are the most fun to watch, don’t get me wrong; anytime someone discovers something about themselves it’s a good thing. I just find it funny that it took someone all these years to see what most people saw way back when. I guess as long as you figure it out sometime it’s a good thing. I don’t trust easily and I for sure don’t trust a lot of people; so if you’re one that I’ve been writing to personally that shows you are truly appreciated.

            All of these things are ways to prepare us for some of the toughest things we may have to face in life. This is when you find out if you’ve cultivated the right mix of friends to share your most intimate thoughts, good or bad. Think about this: for some reason, everyone loves to hear bad news…about someone else. Don’t deny it; you all have someone or several someone (s) that you hardly hear from; write something public about something that isn’t good and presto!!!! You have everyone trying to find out what’s going on, and the need to know is what???? All of a sudden they like everything you put up or texting hoping you answer. I call that trolling, the ones that never really say anything; just go on your page to see what’s being said, waiting to see something bad so they can pipe in and ask what, who, how. Those are the ones I like to say “hey, if you were actually paying attention, you wouldn’t have to ask all these questions” or “hey, I haven’t heard from you in how long? Now you want to know what’s going on….ummm no” That’s the equivalent of a person dying and all these people that never kept in touch showing up saying all these nice things.

            So this is where all of this finds me; on another journey. This is a journey that will be long, but ultimately will be my last journey. I’m ok with that because there’s still a hell of a lot of smaller journeys I can take along the way. There’s a small circle of friends that I have allowed to hop on this crazy journey with me, I promise to take you on a crazy ride and keep it funny. This does not mean I want the obligatory “I’m sorry” posts coming in, hell get over yourself! I don’t want the post saying we need to get together, I’ve lived in the burbs my whole life and we haven’t really gotten together so let’s just keep things the way they are. I’m not a prayer warrior by any means, but I have one in my corner, guess I’m lucky like that. To the fantastic seven, sit back and relax; to those that don’t admit to reading everything I write, you sit back and enjoy as well. I’m going to Carla up and take you all on the ultimate journey!~ Just my two cents

Self Redemption Leading To Self Acceptance~ C.L. Anderson

            Redemption: to reclaim, absolve and atone. If we believe what we were taught in our younger years, we will spend our entire lives looking for some type of redemption. We are taught that if we pay a man to wear a very expensive robe he will be able to offer redemption and you will be atoned for your sins. We are told that darn near everything we do, we will have to seek some type of redemption; heck we even get slips of paper that can be redeemed for a percentage off your groceries. So while you are busy seeking some type of absolution from another human being, did it ever occur to just practice self redemption?

            The road to self redemption is a lot longer than the perceived road to perdition. I think I’ve travelled this road many times; yet I’m still feeling close enough to perdition that my toes are burned. It’s easier to stay set on that burning path instead of opening your heart to yourself and allowing your inner self to accept and redeem from within. It takes a lot to realize that no one person can give you what you seek and no one person can say you are forgiven for whatever you’ve done or have thought of doing. Sometimes, these lessons manifest quickly and one can move on through this life with satisfaction. For others, myself included, we need to be smacked around and driven to that fork in the road. You know that fork; the one where the road is shiny on one side and crappy looking and beat up on the other side. As I sit here pondering my own travelled worn out roads, I think I definitely don’t want to reclaim anything.   I don’t recall asking for any type of atonement for any of my actions, now that doesn’t mean I’ve done nothing wrong, this is me we’re talking about.

I remember when my brother first went to Ohio, my mom missed him something fierce. I on the other hand, well let’s just say I didn’t miss him that much. So I had these thoughts floating through my head, do I seek redemption??? I think not. Of course his choice of girlfriends just solidified the thoughts I had. His choices were not great, then again when do any of us make perfect decisions. My brother has been gone seven years come October, all I can say is time flies and will not slow down for anyone. My brother was a momma’s boy, which was made quite clear. I was the smart one and stayed to myself. We were a family of four until my parents divorced. Now half my family is gone, makes you think about a lot.

I always said you can’t choose your family but you do choose your friends. I tell ya, I got the short end of the stick on that one too. I used to hang out with the most ignorant group of people. They bowled with my mom and when I was younger, I thought they were pretty cool. As I became an adult, I wondered why my mom stopped being around these people. Even after the “token black jokes” I didn’t wake up. I think it took one too many parties with my “friends” letting me drive home a little too tipsy that got the message through to my head. This was a group of ladies that were hell bent on being drunk most weekends and the night of bowling. Exit stage left. I’ve had so called friends tell me I’d be a good friend if I would just indulge with the foreign substance they chose to snort up their nostrils. That wouldn’t have worked for me, I hate using nose drops.

            So here’s where self redemption comes to play. I can’t go back and correct a lot of bad choices I’ve made. Why would I want to reclaim any of that anyway? To own it, ha; I lived through it so I already own it. Seems the things that happened in the past need their due place…in the past. Now, as for things that happen from this point forward, just say it’s a work in progress. I look at my contribution to this planet and lately I’ve spent a lot of time wanting to figure out a way to put that contribution back. My contribution will be 19 this weekend and weighing heavily on my heart is how much puberty can change innocence into master jackass status. Just the thought of the dramatic difference brings tightness to my chest. This is the part in my life when I blame myself for the things that go awry, not that I blame myself on purpose; it just happens to get tossed in my lap. When you see this contribution of my mine, you think oh what a great individual, sweetheart, blah blah blah. Reality is, you don’t live with the contribution. Sounds like I’m talking about a disposable commodity huh? Well the truth is, at a certain age your contribution makes you feel like YOU have become disposable. An ignorance rises up so fast and far you would swear the devil himself implanted some type of wire leads in the brain and whenever your contribution chooses to actually let you in their world, hit the switch and your contribution instantaneously becomes your worst nightmare.

            I’m slowly learning to accept things as they are; they may or may not change. I see no need for redemption, absolution or anything else along that matter. From here on out the only thing I plan to redeem is my sanity. The world will go on whether I’m in it or not. Learning to get back to me and letting go of my contribution is hard. I’m still wicked in some ways, for example, to see this contribution fall on his face just once will bring a smile to my face. You can’t be a jerk forever and expect good things to continue to happen. I guess at that young age we were all jerks. Hmmm, guess maturity and mother wit is a type of redemption after all. How about this; full redemption is already within you. You can’t live to please everyone so don’t try. The reality is you don’t need to go someplace else to ask for redemption just to go out and do the same thing again. Reality, if you really want to seek out some type of redemption, go online and get yourself ordained, then you can do all the redeeming you want. Whatever you choose from here on out, remember; redemption begins when you accept yourself. ~Just my two cents

No One Really Wants Complete Honesty- C.L. Anderson

            Do you believe that title is true? Are you one that is always honest? Are you honest with everyone, or do you pick and choose when you want to be honest as to not hurt someone’s feelings? After really thinking about it, I actually fall in the middle. I don’t lie, but sometimes I do choose to keep quiet, I know hard to believe right? We teach our kids to be honest (knowing as they get older things do tend to be a little south of the truth) yet we aren’t completely honest with them. Why is that? Partly because we don’t want to hurt their feelings and as they get older they spend most of their teen years in denial, so why waste your breath.

            Let’s ruffle some feathers here. How many people would you consider true friends? Now think carefully before you answer that. The reality is, we know many people and consider many people to be friends, but if something happened and you needed a friend in an emergency at some ungodly hour who would you call? I know a lot of people that say “if you need something call me”; they really hope you don’t call. Of course there’s the opposite, you have kids that are overly generous with your personal time, money and transportation. Oh yes, you’ve taught them to be kind hearted and generous and they turn that around and you’re the one that ends up being kind and generous on their behalf. You know this is true, think about it; how many times have you provided transportation to your kids’ friends and you really didn’t want to? They have those couple of friends that lack in the hygiene area and they seem to be the ones that always need a ride and your kid is more than willing to say “let me ask my mom”. Sounds like I’ve been down that road more than a few times, huh? Of course you say yes when you really would rather say no and there goes that honesty angel, out the window.

            Let’s throw some complete honesty out there without naming names and watch the feathers ruffle. First off, when you put clothing on a body that is over 300 pounds and your face looks like features were just thrown on to a blob of skin, there is nothing in the world that will make you look good. However, if you utilize some soap and deodorant, you may smell a hell of a lot better. You over there, stop thinking you’re all that and a bag of chips, wake your butt up, that ship sailed a long time ago. You could never catch so stop trying to catch a long lost youth. What are you trying to smile at? Please close your mouth, your teeth are more yellow than butter and look like they were filed down to little nubs. You were willing to let someone else get blamed for you embezzling money? Death isn’t even good enough for your scumbag behind. Really, you think you’re that cute? Ok, if homely equals cuteness now; sometimes people are given gifts they don’t deserve, but of course if a person gets stuck into it, I guess you make sure one way or the other you’re never alone.  You may be talented but talent will only get you so far; check that attitude and stop feeling like the world owes you something. That pyramid scheme you were running and trying to get others to join…yea, how’s that working out for you now? You were phony way back in the day and you’re still phony now.

            These are some of the things I keep to myself, but if I’m asked I will speak the truth. Would you do the same? If I said name your best friend, would you think about it so as to not offend someone else or would you just name the person. When my mom died, I told people that had known my mom for years and some of my friends. Well, one friend didn’t even remember the phone call the next day and another said the familiar “call me..blah blah blah”. Well, at the risk of ruffling feathers, let’s just say meet the middle finger to both of them. A friend that had never met my mom was there, now that’s a friend. That meant a lot. That also happens to be a person that doesn’t bite their tongue either.

            So why is it people don’t want complete honesty? No one really has the answer to that question. I would like to think that sometimes people are afraid to face their own truths so they don’t want someone else pointing them out. That actually sounds logical, but then I’m the one that says “ok, you know this to be true, don’t you think others notice as well”. I am one that likes honesty, even if it pisses me off, I can respect that person more. I love it when a person admits they don’t agree with what I write, that creates an open dialogue and maybe we can both learn from each other’s point of view. What I dislike is the person that publicly tries to blast you for what you say, then remove themselves leaving you no way to respond. That is the cowards’ way out and what little self respect that person had is probably sitting in the bottle they’re drinking from. Think about it; if there were more honesty amongst friends don’t you think the trickle affect would happen? Honesty starts with friends and family, as we get older; we start to realize more and more that this really is a small world.  Take a look at your friends’ list and you will see that somebody knows a few people that you know or someone is friends with people you don’t like. Wow, that six degrees of separation stuff is true.

            It makes sense that I say your friends before puberty are the ones you tend keep in touch with. They are the ones that knew you before you started making up this fake persona you wanted everyone else to see; wait, there was one that was fake then too. They are the ones that knew you before you perfected that less than honest behavior you have. I keep things as real as I can; I have no problems putting it out there if I’m happy or if I really dislike something. I also stand by the saying if you don’t like what I say then kindly remove yourself from my page. Exercise your right to make your leave quietly, I probably won’t notice anyway. I guess I’m as guilty as the next person when it comes to 100% complete honesty, but I guarantee you I’m more honest than even you can handle. ~Just my two cents