There’s been a lot of talk lately
about older children and how they treat their parents. More specifically, how
they treat their mothers. Now, I for sure don’t have the perfect poster child
kid. I will say that what I’ve noticed is a pattern. I spent a lot of time
thinking I created a heartless, lazy, jerk. Everyone that met my kid always
said how sweet he is and threw upon him every positive platitude you can think
of; my thoughts???? You don’t live with him. Never had I seen an individual so
aloof about what was going on outside of himself. Time was meant to tick for
him and things would be done when he felt like it no matter how much I
complained. He could be full of compassion one minute and the next minute we’re
butting heads about the dumbest of issues.
I’ll pick that up in a bit. What
I’ve been reading and what I was told by friends blows my mind. Their children
are actually beating them and doing whatever they want; complete disrespect.
There are a couple of thoughts that go through my mind. Firstly, when your
son/daughter was little and they started hitting you, instead of playing and
laughing it off you should have smacked him/her back. You gave up your control
as a parent when you let that happen. Secondly, did you as the parent respect
your child or did you just demand they respect you only to realize you didn’t
know how to teach them to respect you? Think about that, how many parents do
you see in the stores with screaming kids and the parent gets in their face and
tries to pacify them only to be smacked by the kid. The parent half heartedly
looks around to make sure someone else didn’t just see her get smacked by her
child who’s still sitting there throwing a fit. Too bad you can’t find that
family 10 years in the future and see how that kid turned out and how the
relationship is with the parent.
I guess with some things I’ve heard
I shouldn’t be too surprised. Some of the ones that are having problems were
not the kindest of people (that was me attempting to be nice) back in the day.
I remember some people cussing at their parents, throwing things at their
parents and just being disrespectful. This was all over being told they
couldn’t hit the next happening party or have the next happening party
themselves. Really?!? I wish I would have tried that in my house, I’d probably
still be trying to find what’s left of my teeth today. If you’ve never learned
to respect your own parents, how can you teach your kids to respect you? Hmm,
there’s a thought. A lot of people claim they understand more of what their
parents were trying to do or say only after they have kids of their own.
Usually that eureka moment comes when their own child is acting like the jerk
they (the parent) used to be themselves. So here’s a new eureka moment for
you….your kids reflect you. That’s it in a nutshell, plain and simple. Are you
arrogant? If so, your kid probably is as well. Are you indifferent? Your kid
probably is as well. Your children turn out how you raise them, complaining
about how they treat you should have you standing in a mirror talking to
yourself.
As parents ourselves, we’ve learned
from our own parents. I’m not saying our parents have actually taught us the
hand held way. We were a latch key generation for sure, a lot of us learned by
telephone, ok that was a bit exaggerated. What I mean is we learned what type
of parent to be from our parents, good or bad. I learned to be the opposite of
my mom. It’s no secret and I’ve written about it before, she and I didn’t get
along. I respected her because she was my mom, as a child, we feared her
because she was a bully. Everything about me has disappeared, like I never
existed. My mom blames my dad and my dad is just clueless. So that’s how it
went and that’s how it stayed until my mom passed away. Now, one could assume
that my mom was just a jerk and go crazy with all the negatives of her
parenting style; you’d be half right. She learned from her mother, and boy her
mother was a doosey. My grandmother was the most cold hearted money hungry
person I’ve ever met. She had four kids and they were never really all that
close. To this day those of us from my mom’s side are not close, we don’t even
talk (enter tears here).
So as I hear and read these stories
of these “terrible kids” I had to think of my own kid and how he turned out.
This is what I’ve come up with; it makes a lot of sense; especially to those
that know me. 1) My son respects those that respect him 2) He’s the biggest
procrastinator 3) It’s not that he doesn’t care, it just doesn’t affect him
directly 4) He questions and argues everything 5) He moves when he’s ready and
not before then 6) He has a tendency to tolerate those that hurt him 7) He can
hold a grudge like nobody’s business 8) Even though I think he doesn’t listen
to half of what I say, his actions say otherwise.
Now, that doesn’t look like what I
described in the first paragraph, does it? It isn’t, but it took some self
reflection to see that. My son turned out to be what I put in him, this is why
I say he’s my mini me. There were arguments of course, but him raising his hand
to strike me or parting his lips to cuss at me????? Not in this lifetime. He’s
learned that we don’t have to agree and that’s ok. He’s learned that he doesn’t
have to like what I say and he’s learned to respectfully question what he dislikes.
My rule is; you can always argue your point and be heard, but make sure you
have a valid point before opening your mouth. How does that work out??? If we
were opposing attorneys it would be an interesting courthouse for sure. I see
it as I’ve worked out the kinks behind closed doors so he can earn his respect
outside those doors; this is what I’ve raised.
I hate to hear stories of children
rising up against their parents. It bothers me even more when the almost grown
or grown offspring still lives at home and does this. My reaction would be to allow them to pack
their belongings and take the key back as they walk out the front door. You
aren’t helpless now, but what about when you’re older and have to depend on
someone to help you. These are things to think about now, we aren’t getting any
younger. It’s time to look at the big picture and own the fact that this is
what you’ve raised. ~Just my two cents.
(Originally posted on Carlaupshoutout.com July 21,2012)
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