Are you one of the many people that
can hold on to grudges forever? Do you secretly wish someone would spend over
24 hours bumping their head on the stupid truck? Are you happy when you hear
something has happened to someone you held a grudge against? I can honestly answer yes to my own
questions. I am a grade school teacher’s worst nightmare, I remember everything
that was ever said or done to me by one of those sadistic bastards. I remember
my brother being treated like dirt and his classmates rallying behind him when
my mom got a call to show up at the school. I think I push the boundary between
a grudge and hatred and take it further than that. Of course that’s not healthy;
but sometimes you carry things that have had a traumatic impact in your life
and you carry the heavy load of a grudge.
I remember being told I was the
devils’ child and would never amount to anything. I am left handed and
everything was backwards for me and the teacher made sure I knew that. I was
always told that all good happens to the right, the evil is left, really? What
a thing to teach a child, where was that good Christian value love? I remember
being tormented by the same person throughout grade school; this teacher was
also the principal. I held such a strong grudge against this person that I did
a happy dance when I read his death notice. I remember saying to my mom I hope
he suffered big time. I also had a teacher that felt it was her calling to slap
her students, to this day I say if I ever see her I’m going to slap the mess
out of her. Oh oh, there’s that devil creeping up. I held an equal grudge
against one of the pastors; he was such an ass and didn’t care. Today, he’s an
old man that looks like the Heat Miser, I’m pretty sure he isn’t marveling in
his racist ways.
When I worked construction there was
a guy that felt it was his duty to tell me on a daily basis that women don’t
belong in construction; especially women of color. My daily routine consisted
of cussing this guy out and trying to work around his ignorance. This guy was
just an all around jerk and was quite fond of his behaviors. This was someone I
swore I would run over in my truck if I saw him on the road riding his
motorcycle. Well, after carrying this grudge for a few years, I found out the
guy died from a drug overdose. They found him in his bathroom. How dignified.
Again, I was happy. He couldn’t be evil to anyone anymore.
Carrying a grudge is not healthy, I
know this but yet I don’t change it. Many believe that you should forgive just
don’t forget. If you believe people really do that….I tend to not forgive or
forget. People put a lot of effort into being jerks, why should I let them off
the hook so easily! I have had friends that have done things or their parents
have shown just how they can be racist jerks, do you honestly think I’m going
to forgive and forget??? Nope, as a matter of fact I’m enjoying the fact that
they are all suffering. I love Karma at its best!
I like when people think I don’t know
what they’ve done. These are the ones that go behind your back thinking you won’t
find out; they think they’ve gotten away with something. Well in the beginning
they may have, but when you sit there and smile in my face trying to be the nice
person; keep in mind I’m sitting there looking at you wishing the roof would
fall on your smug ugly face. I’m a firm believer in once a snake always a
snake. I do admire the tenacity of ignorance; it exposes the vulnerability that
enables someone to exploit the naivety of simple minded people.
I often wonder if people had the
chance to apologize for what they’ve done to others would they do it. In this
age of technology it isn’t hard to pen a quick note and just let that person
know there was a change in the heart and they want to apologize for what was
done. Reality kicks in and realizes a person can sit on your sofa, smile in
your face knowing they’ve done wrong and still not apologize. So sending a
quick little note is one of those things that won’t happen. People are funny
like that. My grandma is one of those people that had a chance to apologize to
those she’s traumatized and up until she took her last breath she was defiant,
ignorant and crass. She insisted she never did harm to anyone and felt no to
need to apologize.
Holding these crazy grudges does
take a toll on your health. Sometimes it’s not so easy to let go and move on,
it’s not like we’re robotic and can be re-programmed to do what someone else
wants. I used to sit around and think of revenge; that is something that is
really heavy. That is something that becomes a disease and will shorten your
life span. I’m convinced exacting revenge is not the answer. A lot of people
believe you give the other person power when you hold a grudge, I don’t really
believe that. I’m pretty sure people don’t go to bed at night wondering who has
something personal against them, I know I don’t. I also believe that people
that know they’ve done wrong have gonads the size of Mt. Rushmore to sit in your
house, smile in your face and know
without a doubt that in your mind you’re just waiting for something to
snap.
I may hold on to things much longer
than most people and I’ll admit I do get a little giddy when I hear something
happened to someone I don’t really care for; but there are some things I’ve
realized with age… 1) People always say forgive, I say God forgives and I’m not
God 2) Even as they smile, their heart is heavy. Sometimes that’s all it takes
3) As long as I have the gift of writing, there is no need to seek out revenge.
It’s all written out, kind of like therapy at the other person’s expense 4)
Carrying a grudge won’t solve the issue or make a perceived wrong right and
finally 5) Walking through life is hard enough on it’s own, I’d like to thank
myself and say “self, walk out of the world of the wonderful grudges”. Some of
you may want to do the same. ~ Just my two cents.
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